TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have One more position where by American Males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must end using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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